Last night I had a strange dream. Since it's already fading I thought it would make a fun blog. I was working for a temp agency, and looking for work. The temp place calls and asks if I can preside at a memorial service at a local church, as their pastor just died. I figure, since I'm ordained in several cults, including one that authorizes me to commit the sacrament of marriage in the State of Michigan, there should be no problem winging it.

I show up at the church for a pre-service meeting. They ask no questions about what I want to say. Since I'm not up for an hour of preaching, I cleverly suggest that their members do individual testimonials. They say, no, they didn't really know him that well. Huh. Ok, I ask what the guy's name was. Henry, they tell me. How about the last name? They're not sure. Miller, maybe. No pictures of the dear departed, either.

Then comes the kicker: my pay. They'll take a free will offering, then see how much is in the envelope, and "adjust it" if it's too much. Right. So by now I figure this is some elaborate hoax, and instead of just reading pieces of Revelation, like all the other preachers do, I give 'em Ecclesiastes 9:4. (Look it up, you heathens!) Admittedly, a nasty thing to do at a funeral, but I figure they deserve it. Then I just carry on with some passages from the Book of the Subgenius for good measure. Somehow, I don't think there will be a problem with the free will offering being too much. I figure it's my contribution to organized religion. They aren't offended in the least, though, and we all shake hands and part friends.

This morning I called my pal, the Master Wordsmith, and asked him what he would have done. "Read the speech from "Waking Ned Devine" " he tells me, "that's a good one." So now I have something to look up....

And I swear by all that is truly holy, that when in Port Watson I'll stick to only doing weddings at the New Reformed Graceland Wedding Chapel of Elvis The Most High. Really.

No license? No pop stand, St. Paul tells 2 youngsters
Kevin Duchschere, Star Tribune

This story, which I found on The Drudge Report, just cries out to be blogged upon. I promise that when I am elected governor of Minnesota...oh, never mind. In Port Watson, there will be no problems if your children wish to sell lemonade, or pop, or even live ammunition for that matter. I think you'll come to appreciate that.

What kind of city official would close down a child's pop stand? What kind of jack-booted thug would stop a budding capitalist? Aye, there's the rub....all the jack-booted thugs would do that...

For the whole story, you can click on the link. The important thing is that people can be "trained" to yearn for peanut butter and ice cream by associating these items with fractal images. I, personally, have trained myself to yearn for beer, simply by associating beer with the act of breathing.

In the study mentioned below, participants were also trained to bark loudly and drool when promised chocolate, but this information was supressed.


Humans trained to hunger like Pavlov's dogs

19:00 21 August 03

NewScientist.com news service


Humans can be trained to crave food in response to abstract prompts just like Pavlov's dogs, reveals new research.

But whereas Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to drool at the sound of a bell, Jay Gottfried and colleagues at University College London, UK, trained humans to yearn for vanilla ice cream and peanut butter at the sight of fractal-based computer images.

Importantly, the team also showed that the human brain can put a "brake" on the powerful desire for certain foods once the appetite has been sated. This system to turn the "delectable into the distasteful" may be crucial in regulating behaviour, they say. Detecting faults in this system might in future help shed light on compulsive eating disorders and substance addictions, speculates Gottfried, a neurologist.

"If food cravings in general are being triggered by environmental cues associated with food, [compulsive eaters] could have a disturbance in the way the brain puts a brake on the system," he told New Scientist.

Here's a nice bit by Mark Steyn on Arianna Huffington's campaign for gov.

My Tall Thin Greek Candidate
What's the difference between Arianna Huffington and a billboard star?

It's funny even though I'm kind of fond of Arianna. And now it appears that I should be fond of Angelyne as well...

Here's a fun little piece about the Ten Commandments issue, by Don Lattin, SF Gate

Just which commandments are the 10 Commandments?

Even Christians don't agree on which are the top ten and what they mean. Also, there aren't really 10. Gives you a different perspective on the recent controversy, perhaps...

G'day!

The power outrage knocked my hard drive down...I replaced it but then couldn't get the thang to work with the ethernet card...probably because of installing lots and lots of drivers. So...no email until just a couple of hours ago. We had a rough time when the power went out, only an hour and five minutes from when I posted on the 14th. We knew the hamburger wouldn't last in the heat, or the champagne either---so we grilled one of them. And drank the rest. Then it was down to the basement to see if there was anything else to drink...and there seemed to be. We fired up some candles and hung out on the deck, sweating and listening to NPR on the battery powered boom box. I'm sure they meant well, but every other sentence started "In New York..." which was rather off-base considering that the local NPR station is in Ypsilanti. Now it appears that Ohio, and not Canada, may be to blame---rather than Wild-Eyed Islamic Fundamentalist Eaters of Fishstix.

I missed the best day of our website, Visit Port Watson! which received over 1200 hits on Monday the 18th. (You should visit too.) Also, there's a fine new Yahoo! Group that you can join. Of course, I also had several hundred email messages to fight through, but that's done now. Really missed the email when I didn't have any---a very unexpected and tragic thing it was to be without Dilbert, blogs, WSJ, all that and More!

One of the best things in my inbox was Ann Coulter's new column about the California governors race. It's classic. Enjoy! I'm going off to READ now!