Let’s Play YOU BE DICTATOR!

You’ve just smashed the remains of a horrible tyrant’s Elite Republican Super Select Guard and Lootery. The Agents of Chaos have taken the day off, the forces of Order are ascendant, and now it’s up to YOU to dictate new laws to the population. Will your battle cry be "Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!" or Rock the Casbah? Or a more traditional approach,

"I heard somebody singin’ sweet and soulful, on the radio:

Mohammed’s Radio….Ayatollah’s got his problems too!

Even Jimmy Carter’s got the Highway Blues…"

Warren Zevon, Mohammed’s Radio

What the hell yuh gonna do, Bucky? Rule with the Rod of Iron, or be known as the Pussy of Baghdad? Or the Pussy with the Iron Rod? The title Emir of the Principality of Obtuse Lower Middle Iraq is there for the taking, but will it spruce up your resume? Even worse, you could let France take over, or even even worse worse, (attn: Rant Coming!) The UN. (our motto: baby blue helmets make target practice fun!). After all, they’ve done so well in Kosovo and Rwanda---don’t they deserve to get their hands on some Real Big Oil bucks? They’ve been such patient little thieves so far, content to drain your tax dollars through various aid agencies that provide convenient fronts for grubby little Third World Dictators to squirrel away Monstrous Fortunes while bleeding "their" people and giving jobs to worthless relatives like OD and Queesy.

Ok, let’s figure that the UN just doesn’t fit in with your plans. You’ve got to make Iraq fun, develop the tourist industry, kick start the economy while all the time building a reputation for flawless customer service and Foreign Sin Far Away From Home, cheap. Just re-opening Saddam’s Museum of Severed Heads and Limbs is not going to do the trick. Islamofacists have no discernable sense of humor, and they only drink before they fly aircraft into infidel buildings, so let that be your starting ground. Bars and comedy clubs are your best friends. Schools of Avionics would be added later, if ever. Breweries will be necessary if you don’t want to keep importing expensive scotch, and they’ll provide more opportunities for Fedayeen Youth Brigades who have found themselves newly unemployed.

You’ll not want to repeat the error of Afghanistan---no matter what the local Warlord says, the population gets MTV and that’s final. Western culture rocks, so liberate the country from that awful french disco music while you’re at it. Bring back FM! More Rock, Less Talk! Give aways should include sports cars, in addition to MRE’s. A cable modem in every pot? It’s up to you. To avoid nasty tax problems, I suggest you take a libertarian approach to your regime---laws against (private) fraud and force, and a judicial system that protects property rights. That’s really all you need for now. Making the whole country a Free Trade Zone isn’t a bad idea either. Eliminate visa requirements for Americans (and when I say Americans, I mean North, South, and Central!) and Europeans too, even those wacky French. All tourists and anyone willing to invest in a condo should be welcome. The first impulse of the local religious folks will be to resist your reforms. Thus, deport anyone who attempts to start riots or political parties in your new country. Start a Democracy? What the Hell for?