Drunken Master Attorney

Here's some things I'd like to see on television.

The Scene: A Law Office.

Drunken Master Attorney, a man in a suit and ill-matched tie, has his head face down on a conference table. There is a knock on the door. The man in the suit lifts his head quickly, gets up and stumbles to the door. "Cummin!" he says loudly and then opens the door. A woman steps into the office. "Siddown!" cries the attorney. He sits down. So does she. The attorney grabs a legal pad and pen, and pushes his hair out of his eyes. "Whassa trouble?" he slurs. "It’s the phone company" she says. "Bastards!" he shouts, "I’ll hit ‘em with a writ of Handimus Maximus!" He then commences to drink heavily from a pitcher he takes from the refridgerator, and passes out on the floor. The client has a somewhat worried expression on her face.

The Scene: A Courtroom. The next morning.

A well-dressed, corporate-looking attorney stands before the bench, giving his summation: "And therefor, your honor, my client the phone company demands that the defendant shall pay us all her money, forever and ever. We think it’s only fair." He smiles and adjusts his tie.

Drunken Master Attorney is apopoleptic. His face is red; he stammers and hisses and tries to adjust his hair and dark sunglasses, he grabs a law book and jabs furiosly at a chapter heading, grabs a pitcher on the desk and empties it, then falls headlong to the floor, the book spread open by his fist. "Order! Order!" cries the Judge, banging her gavel. The Bailiff comes forward. "What is he pointing at?" the Judge asks. The Bailiff brings the book, marking the paragraph with his finger. The Judge reads the passage and exclaims, "Why, he was pointing at the inscrutable section of the law dealing with Handimus Maximus, an obscure but utterly appropriate principle that shall obtain in this case! Bailiff, imprision the Plaintiff and their counsel!" and it was done, and the observers in the courtroom cheer, and the defendant claps her hands, jumps up and down and shouts "I win! I win!"

The Announcer’s voice: "Another Victory for Drunken Master Attorney"

 

Psychic Tour Guide

The scene: a televised advertisement for a New Career.

The Announcer: "Now, from the friendly folks who brought you Miss Cleo, here’s a brand new once-in-a-lifetime chance for you to make an incredible amount of money! Imagine yourself as a Psychic Tour Guide! No experience necessary, satisfaction guaranteed! Why should anyone spend thousands of dollars on airline tickets and hotels when they can pay YOU to describe foreign lands for them?

There is a large mystic with a white beard,wearing a turban and glasses, seated at a table holding a crystal ball. The client sits with her palms flat on the table. "I see you in Mexico City!" he says excitedly.

The Announcer: "Meanwhile, your attractive assistant burns diesel fuel in the kitchen while blowing a fan toward the client".

The Client: "I can smell it Psychic Tour Guide! It’s just like I’m there! Here’s a hundred dollars!"

The Announcer: "We’ll teach you all the secrets of the trade, including possible Red Flags. Avoid places the client may actually have been. That would be one. Don’t feel compelled to describe the Alien Civilization that you know has its headquarters below the Denver airport. That would be another. With help like this, how could you possibly fail?"

A blue screen appears:The Announcers voice is heard: "To order, call 1 888 Megamillions, and have your credit card ready. Only $295, or 10 easy payments of $49.95. Act Now to Avoid Bitter Disappointment."

The Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program

The Scene: a middle-aged man is being chased through an alley by an angry mob.

The Announcer: "This year, innocent americans will have their lives and limbs placed in jeapordy by angry mobs."

The Scene: a darkened office, the speaker is seated in shadow, an interviewer sits to one side.

"We were there for the ministry, just excercising our First Amendment rights as usual; engaging folks in long discussions about Jehovah right around dinnertime, or on Saturday mornings when they were all hungover. Then, one day, somebody said that we could maybe pick up a few bucks selling Amway as long as we were there, and that worked pretty good, so we added insurance to our line, and from then on people feared us. Man, we ruled those streets. Those homeowners may have hated us, but gosh darnit, they respected our power."

The Announcer: "In response to numerous threats, the Federal government has established the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program, transferring dozens of practicioners to new positions with the Department of Homeland Security. Their names and addresses are:"

(a long list begins to scroll)

Announcer: "The Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. Protecting Americans, and making it safe to answer the front door again."